


Stiles' Real Name

by BriMarie



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Fun and Games, Humor, No Romance, Other, Stiles Real Name, Tag, allison argent is alive in my fics love, friends playing around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:13:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24116326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BriMarie/pseuds/BriMarie
Summary: There are so many unsolved mysteries in Beacon Hills, but the biggest mystery of all has to be Stiles Stilinski's real first name. This is a one shot about how the pack attempts to find out what Stiles first name is; it takes place in season 3A. ( It's very similar to that one episode of Naruto when they were trying to see Kakashi's face).*No romance just friends screwing around*
Kudos: 25





	Stiles' Real Name

The pack was hanging out at the warehouse. Stiles was the only one not there because he had to make up a test. They were all joking around and talking about their days. These were one of those rare days when they could all act like normal teenagers and not worry about a kanima or a werewolf attempting to kill them. They were all talking about names they were originally going to be named.

"Are you kidding me?!" Scott said laughing. The rest of the table was laughing too. "Nope, not joking at all. My name was seriously going to be Myrtice Felicity Argent named after my great great grandmother, but luckily my mom told my dad that was a terrible name." Allison said while crossing her arms and laughing a bit.

"Oh my god I'm so glad they changed their minds! I could never be friends with a person named Myrtice!" Lydia said while laughing. "Alright, alright settle down people it's my turn." Derek said. "My name was going to be Bernie Derek Hale." Derek said while laughing. "Ew no! Bernie? Why would they ever even consider that name?!" Isaac said with a disgusted face.

"Oh my god I could never take you seriously if I met an alpha named Bernie." Scott said. "Well what was your name going to be?" Derek asked crossing his arms. "You guys are going to make fun of me for the rest of my life if I tell you." Scott said. That made them lean in more because now they're really curious. "Oh come on it can't get worse than Myrtice." Allison said to make him feel better. "Okay, my name was going to be..." Scott mumbled.

The pack leaned in more. "Heinz Wallace McCall." Scott said. The pack went silent, and then busted out in laughter. "Ha ha ha, I'm calling you Heinz forever!" Derek said laughing his ass off. Scott folded his arms and leaned back in his seat while blushing. "Ha! You were going to be named after a damn condiment company!" Lydia said pointing at him. That made the rest of the table laugh harder. "Oh shut up Lydia." Scott said.

After the laughter died down, they all sat there for a little while until Isaac thought of something. "You know what?" He started. Everyone looked at him. "What?" Derek asked. "What the hell is Stiles' real name? I know damn well his parents wouldn't name him Stiles." Isaac asked. This made everybody quiet and think for a second. "You know what? I don't know. I've known him for over a decade and I've never actually known his name." Scott said while looking at the ceiling.

"You know what? Me neither." Lydia said. "I'm shocked you two don't know his name by now. You've both known him longer than the rest of us have. Do they not say his real name while taking roll?" Allison said. Lydia and Scott tried to remember, but couldn't recall it. "You know what? I remember when he used to come to class early to make sure every teacher said Stiles instead of his first name. He must have a terrible or embarrassing first name if he doesn't want his best friend to know." Scott said.

"Now I'm eager to find out how horrid his first name is." Derek said. "We should ask him." Isaac said. "No, if he didn't tell Scott or Lydia he definitely wouldn't tell us." Derek said rubbing his chin. The pack sat there and thought of creative ways to find out his name. "What if we all split up and find different approaches to find out his name?!" Allison asked. The pack all had approving looks. "That's actually a great idea." Scott said. The rest of the pack nodded in agreement. "Okay, so here's the plan..." Derek said.

Lydia was up first. She walked to Coach Finstock's room, which was where Stiles took his make up test. They figured the roll list would have the list of student's real names and nicknames. Lydia knocked on the door. "Hello coach! Are you in there?" She asked perky like. There was no response, so she walked in without permission.

She realized Stiles wasn't there either; he must've left already. She walked over to his desk to look through the drawers. She rummaged through all of his papers and eventually found the roll sheet. Right before she was about to look at his name, she notices someone is there. "What the hell are you doing here in my room Martin?!" Coach asked in his normal angry voice.

"Sorry sir! I was just trying to look for the roll sheet!" Lydia said with wide eyes. "And why would you want that?" He asked annoyed. "To find out Stiles' real name. I wanted to see if his birth name would be next to his nickname." Lydia explained. Coach stared at her confused, but then he realized he didn't even know the kid's name.

"Damn it beats me what that kid's name is. Ring me up when you find out." Coach said while plopping in his chair. "Do you wanna help me find out what it is?" Lydia asked. "Not as much as I'd rather not." Coach said. Lydia frowned at his comment and left his room. She called Allison to tell her she didn't get it. "Hey did you find out?" Allison asked hopefully. Lydia nodded. "Nope, not even Coach knows." Lydia said. "Awe dammit, well it's time for plan b then." Allison said. "Okay then, see you later." Lydia said. "Bye." Allison said and hung up.

"Did she get it?" Isaac asked Allison. Allison shook her head no. "Okay, time for plan b, Allison you're up." Derek said. "Do you remember what to do?" Scott asked her. She nodded her head. "Yes, I'm supposed to go to the Beacon Hills hospital and ask for his birth certificate." Allison said. "Okay good, now go make us proud soldier!" Scott said jokingly.

"YES SIR!" Allison said and presented her arms like a soldier. Allison drove down to the hospital looking for Ms. McCall. Once she entered, she immediately saw her at the front desk as usual. "Hi Ms. McCall! How are you?" Allison said. Ms. McCall looked at her suspiciously; Allison is never this happy. "What's wrong with you? Did you hit your head? Are you trying to suck up to me because you broke something?" Ms. McCall asked.

Allison laughed. "No silly I was just wondering if you could do me a major solid." Allison said. "Well come on out with it. I have to feed the patients lunch soon." Ms. McCall said crossing her arms. "Well I need Stiles' birth certificate. I know his dad left it in the hospital instead of keeping it like most people." Allison said. Ms. McCall got more suspicious. "And why would you need something personal like that?" Ms. McCall asked.

"Well the pack and I are trying to find out his birth name, and we need his birth certificate to find out since he won't tell us." Allison said. "Look Allison I don't have time to look through his files, nor do I know his name. Lord only knows what his name is. Also, it's illegal to give people someone else's birth certificate to others unless it's a parent/guardian or the person themselves." Ms. McCall said.

Allison pouted at her response and walked out of the hospital. She called Isaac. "Hey, did you get it?" Isaac asked on the other line. "No, apparently it's illegal to give out birth certificates." Allison said. "Dammit! Are we ever going to find out this kid's name?!" Isaac said. "I don't even know honestly." Allison said. "Well I guess it's time for plan c." Isaac said. "Good luck Isaac; I believe in you." Allison said. "Thanks, now I gotta go bye." Isaac said and hung up.

"So what am I supposed to do again?" Isaac asked unsure. Derek sighed in annoyance. I swear to God if I have to repeat myself one more time. Derek thought to himself. "Isaac for the last time, you're supposed to go up to the sheriff and ask kindly what Stiles' real name is. ¿Comprende?" Derek asked clearly frustrated. Isaac looked like he understood now. "I'm confident I know what I'm doing sir." Isaac said. "Good now make us proud Lahey." Derek said. Isaac left and ran down to the police station.

He opened the doors and entered sheriff's office, but Sheriff was on the phone with somebody at the time. Isaac spoke anyway. "Sheriff I need your help." Isaac told him in a serious face. "Hold on a second ma'am. Is it important?" Sheriff asked Isaac. "Yes, it's urgent and it's been bothering me all day." Isaac said. "Ma'am I'm going to put you on another line I have an emergency." Sheriff said. Sheriff hung up the phone and looked Isaac dead in the eye. "What's wrong son? Is something supernatural happening?" Sheriff asked getting ready to pull out his gun.

"No nothing supernatural is happening, actually nothing bad is happening at all. I just wanna know what Stiles' first name is." Isaac said. Sheriff looked at him confused. "Did you seriously make me hang up on someone just to ask a irrelevant question like that?" Sheriff asked him. Isaac nodded yes. "Yes, that's exactly what I did." Isaac said. "Look if you don't have an emergency don't come to my office especially something like that." Sheriff said returning back to his paper work.

Isaac looked annoyed with him. "Well before I go, can you tell me?" Isaac asked. "Tell you what?" Sheriff asked. "What Stiles' real name is." Isaac said. Sheriff looked blankly at him as if he was trying to remember something. "You know what? I can't even pronounce his real name, nor can I spell it. All I know is it starts with the letter M, and my wife came up with it." Sheriff said scratching the back of his head. So his name starts with an M huh, that has to be a good start. Isaac thought to himself. "Okay well thanks I guess." Isaac said waving his hand.

Isaac left the station and called Derek. "Did you get it?" Derek asked. "Nope, but I did find out that his name starts with an M." Isaac said on the other line. "Well I guess that's a start." Derek said a bit disappointed. "I guess it's time for plan d." Derek said. "I think this will work for sure." Isaac said. "Yeah I'll talk to you later." Derek said and hung up.

Okay I can do this; this is a simple task. If you can sneak up on enemies, then you can sneak into his house. Derek thought to himself. Derek drove to his house and parked two houses down just in case he came home early. Derek went through Stiles' window and jumped over his dresser.

"If I were Stiles, where would I put my student ID?" Derek asked himself trying to think like Stiles. He looked around the messy room; it was going to be harder than he thought. He looked through both of his dressers and his wardrobe, there was nothing. He checked his bathroom and his desk drawers, still nothing. He was about to look under his bed, but he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

He panicked and hid in the shower forgetting to leave no evidence. Derek realized he accidentally left the window open and left a larger mess than he already had. He hoped he wouldn't notice the excess. Stiles walked up in his room and immediately saw his window open. He got suspicious and grabbed his bat. He roamed around his room to see if anybody was there. He looked everywhere except his bathroom. "If I were a killer, where would I hide?" Stiles thought out loud.

Stiles approached his bathroom and was about to open the shower curtains. Derek started to get nervous and was ready to accept his fate, but then Stiles' phone rang from downstairs. Stiles was distracted and ran to go pick it up. Derek got out of the shower and saw his student ID laying under all his clothes. He got excited and ran to get it, when he picked it up, he was very disappointed. "Are you kidding me?" Derek said.

His student ID only had his first initial and last name. Derek dropped it down in frustration. He heard footsteps and Stiles voice coming up the stairs. He jumped back out the window and ran back to his car. When Derek got in the car, he called Scott. "Sup Derek, did you get it yet?" Scott asked. "Nope, he almost caught me in his room. Also his ID only has his first initial which is an M." Derek said.

Scott sighed; he really thought that plan would work. "Okay, I guess we have to do plan e." Scott said. "Yep good luck Heinz." Derek jokingly said on the phone. "I regret ever telling you guys that." Scott said and hung up the phone.

Scott walked up to the Starbucks nearby Stiles' house. He knew that every Wednesday he goes to the coffee shop after school. When he parked, he automatically noticed that Stiles was sitting at a table. He waited for Stiles to leave so that he could get his license. Stiles eventually got up to go to the bathroom, which was perfect timing for Scott. Scott hopped off his motorcycle and speed walked up to Stiles' table where he left his stuff.

He was more shocked he left his wallet and bag at the table without someone guarding it. "What a dumbass." Scott said. He rummaged through his bag and found his wallet. He opened his wallet and found his license. Scott was so done with this boy. Even his damn license didn't have his real name on it. What type of person let's someone put their nickname on their license? "I thought that was illegal." Scott said. Scott was so annoyed by this and put his wallet back in his bag.

He quickly got out of there before Stiles saw him. Scott called Derek to tell him he failed. "Don't tell me he doesn't have his real name on his license." Derek said. "Sorry to tell you man, but he doesn't." Scott said. "This kid is unbelievable! How did he convince the county to use his nickname? I thought that was illegal!" Derek said. Scott shrugged. "I have no idea. This has come down to the boiling point. We have to sit him down and have an intervention." Scott said. "I agree." Derek said. "Okay, now tell the others to meet me at the warehouse. I'm gonna explain the plan there." Scott said. "Will do." Derek said and hung up. "This has to work." Scott said.

The pack met up at the warehouse around 4:30 pm. They were all pretty excited to hear what Scott had in mind. Scott walked in later with a smile on his face. "Guys I've gotta plan." Scott said before sitting down. "Alright spill." Lydia said. "Okay, so we're going to go to Stiles' house and put a bandanna around his mouth and tie his limbs. Next, we're gonna put him in Allison's trunk, so he can breathe. Then, we're going to take him here and sit him down and force him to say his name." Scott said.

The pack stared at him blankly until someone said something. "That actually doesn't sound that bad." Allison said. "Yeah I'm in." Isaac said. "Yeah sure why not." Derek said. "Count me in too." Lydia said raising her index finger. Scott smiled and clapped his hands. "Great! Now let's go." Scott said jumping out his chair. The pack jumped into Allison's car and drove off.

Allison pulled up in Stiles' driveway. Scott and Derek grabbed the ropes and Isaac got the bandanna. They all walked in his house and up the stairs. When they got to his room, they noticed the door's locked. Lydia put her ear on the door to check if he was awake; she heard snoring on the opposite side and smiled. "He's asleep." Lydia said. Allison got a bobby pin out of her head and picked the lock. They all entered his room and were ready to jump on him. Scott counted from three. "One, two, THREE!" Scott yelled.

Isaac wrapped the bandanna around his mouth which woke him up. Derek and Scott were wrapping his arms and legs. All of them helped bring him down the stairs. They threw him in the back of Allison's trunk and jumped in the car. Allison drove off to the warehouse. When they got there, they picked up Stiles and walked into the building. They put him on the chair and untied the bandanna. Stiles looked pissed. "WHAT THE HELL GUYS?" Stiles yelled.

"Yeah sorry about this, but it's come down to this." Lydia said putting her hand on the back of the chair. "What are you talking about?!" Stiles asked. "Stiles we've been trying to find out your name alllll day. We've tried almost everything. We've looked through your wallet, student ID, birth certificate, school attendance paper, and we even asked your dad." Scott said. Stiles looked shocked and annoyed at the same time. Are you serious right now? Stiles said in his head.

"So what you're telling me is that you spent all day trying to find out my name by invading my personal stuff instead of asking me?" Stiles asked annoyed. They all looked at each other. "Yep pretty much." Isaac said. "Why didn't you just ask me? Did you assume I wouldn't tell you?" Stiles asked them. They all looked at each other again. "Well you never told us your real name, so we just assumed you were ashamed of it." Allison said. "Let's make a deal. If you untie me, I'll tell you my real name." Stiles said.

They looked at him suspiciously; they were scared he'd run off. They eventually agreed and Derek and Isaac untied him. When they untied him, he rubbed his wrist and stood up to stretch. "Sooooo" Lydia said impatiently. "Sooooo what?" Stiles said. "Tell us!" Allison said. "Tell you what?" Stiles teased while smirking. "Your damn name!" Derek said annoyed.

"Oh yeah, I lied. I'm never going to tell you my name." Stiles said. Everybody stared at him annoyed. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Lydia said. Everybody looked like they were about to beat the shit out of him if he didn't start talking. Stiles started running extremely fast and ran out of the warehouse. The pack was so thrown off by his sudden movement. "Get him!" Derek said.

All of them ran after him into the woods. Lydia, Allison, and Isaac lost track of him. Damn, that boy can run fast! Derek and Scott still had his scent. Scott totally forgot Stiles does cross country and used to do track back in middle school. That explains why Stiles would always win tag! Derek and Scott eventually got tired of running and stopped to breathe. "Oh shit, dat boy can run fast." Derek said panting hard and putting his hands on his knees.

"Yeah, I keep forgetting he runs the same speed as cars when he's in danger." Scott said. "We'll never find out his damn name will we?" Derek said looking at Scott. "Nope, not until the day he dies." Scott said.

Stiles ran all the way home and locked his door. He put his dresser against his door and put mistletoe on his window. When he felt safe, he plopped down on his bed and took a deep breathe. "They'll never know my real name." He said to himself laughing evilly. He had made sure no one would ever find out his real name by bribing the county into changing his name legally even though he's under 18. They can push him, shove him, torture him, and even beat him. He'll never give in. Never.

**Author's Note:**

> I made this before season 6 even started so I didn't know his name yet. This is what I think would happen if they all had actual time to be teens and were just screwing around. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
